Three twenty-minute periods.
Scorers: Canes - Cornhead (5, 44) Cryney (10, 18, 37, 46) Haggis (40). Cryney missed pen.
Rehab - Ben (8, 39, 60+3, 60+9, 60+14) Si (17) Bez (35) Gray og (58)
Match Report by Mark Everton
Cornhead settled any early nerves with a superb first time finish, And the Canes gradually began to take control of the match. a brace from Cryney ensured they went into the second period 3-2 up. The same old problem began to surface, though, with the Canes creating plenty of great chances, but their sloppyness in front of goal would once again end up costing them dear. After Reddish defender Crook handled a fierce Haggis shot inside the box, Cryney confidently stepped up to take the penalty, but blasted his shot against the post. Earlier, a rocket shot from Gray was saved brilliantly by Reddish loan signing Bez, who had a blinder both in and out of goal. However, after Cryney had made amends for his penalty miss by completing his hat-trick with a lethal finish under pressure, a rare mistake from Bez led to a bizzare goal from hitman Haggis. a long ball to the lanky striker was miscontrolled, with Haggis chipping the ball high towards the Rehab goal; Bez stumbled and tackled himself under pressure from the hagman, who slotted the ball into an open goal from a tight angle. at the end of the third period, confidence was high among the Canes. score: 5-4.
Cornhead helped himself to a sixth Canes goal with another cool first-time finish, before Cryney nabbed his fourth. the Canes began to dominate, and when Reddish did manage a rare attack, Cryney was more then up to the challenge in goal, heeding his own advice by making the net small whenever man-of-the-match Ben shaped to shoot. "Five more minutes." anounced Cryney. However, as the home side began to tire, Rehab scored three times without reply to draw level. Two final Hurricanes attack were snuffed out by Bez, who punted the ball upfield after a Haggis toe-poke to create the winning goal for Ben, an incredible fifth of the match. Two in a row for plucky Reddish, and plenty for the Canes to think about ahead of next Sunday's match.
09/04/07 - THE DAY THAT TIME STOOD STILL
The furious Hurricanes have lodged a compaint with FIFA after yesterdays fiasco down at the Richmond.
A record crowd of 4 specators witness the Canes storm into a deserved 7-4 lead, with Rehab pulling one back just before the final whistle. However, with tired legs slowing the Canes down, Rehab pulled another one back during a suspiciously prolonged periiod of injury time.
End of the match. 7-6 to the Canes. 'nuff said, surely.
But as the weary Caned were about to trudge off the pitch for a team bath, Reddish captain Si dropped a bombshell by sensationally DEMANDING that the match should continue, for "One more goal." In hindsight, the lads should have told the dirty cheat to bugger off, but so mentally exhausted that they let the trickster dazzle them with his silver-tongued mind games. "If you score the next goal, you've won." said the cunning golden-haired warrior. "And if we score next, we'll have a penalty shoot-out."
Sure enough, Rehab scored again.
7-7. a creditable draw.
But instead of leaving it at that, or having penalties, the Canes allowed Rehab to emotionally bully them into continuing with the match for yet another goal. Despite a valiant last effort, including an attack in which a goal-bound shot from haggis was blocked by last defender Bailey and Bez saved the follow-up, Rehab broke clear and Ben managed to fire home a long-range winner. Rehab danced away, of course not offering the Canes a chance to draw level. What a disgrace.
My opinion by Mark Everton
The antics of certain Reddish players yesterday was nothing short of disgraceful. their actions have no place in football. Everyone knew the match had finished, But Moany Reddish refused to take their defeat like men. And now the once mighty canes find themselves at the foot of the Euro 07 qualifying table. Are the days when the Canes could confidently call themselves the best team in the league but a memory?
01/04/07 - CANES BLOW IT
April fools limp to dismal 5-4 defeat against minnows Reddish
The pressure is growing tonight on Hurricanes captain Phil after a shambolic performance in today's important EURO 07 qualifier against Reddish Rehab. opinion is divided now as to wether Phil should leave the post immediately, or wether his team should be given one more game to turn things around. The team were hampered today by key injuries to defender Cryner and maverick Haggis, who should both be available for the next match.
We're not going on our summer holidays
The defeat leaves the canes bottom of their qualifying group for Euro 07, which will be held this summer in Offerton. However, Phil refused to blame his players, insisting that the good performances will come, and that the passion is there. He then stormed out of the post-match press conference, telling journalists they could "Write what they want."
Not fit to wear the shirts
Angry Canes fans turned on the players at half-time, jeering them off the pitch with cat calls aimed at the team and the way it is being managed. Long-term fan Butch McCallister summed up the supporters mood by telling this reporter "I am sick to death of this team underperforming. I can't remember the last time I saw a spellbinding performance, and I'm sick and tired of excuses. I want to see men out there, not boys."
STOP PRESS Angry fans are venting their frustration on this website's guestbook page, with the server at one point crashing, such was the demand to abuse the squad and share bitchy jokes at Phil's expense.
31/03/07 - NO COCK UPS
Club Captain demands that players have their full concentration on tomorrows game against bitter rivals Reddish.
After seeing Blackburn throw away an early lead against United and then watching on as Watford's very own Danny Shittu's defending led to Chelsea scoring a vital goal to keep them in the Premiership title run in, Hurricanes Captain Phil Sanchez has called out for his team mates not to do the same thing and let their guard down throughout the game and has ridiculed talks of an injury crisis.
"Without a doubt we are creative enough to win the game but our defending is truly shocking sometimes, we are without one of our best centre backs in Cryney, but were are not a one man team and the squad players have to step up to the challenge."
Newspaper reports of heavy injuries within the Hurricanes camp have made Reddish the bookmakers firm favourites for the Sunday lunchtime kick off.
"It's nonsense when you think about it, the only injuries are Cryney and Haggis, and we have doubts about Yossi Simsolos fitness in time for tomorrows kick off, although I still have my ankle injury that I picked up whilst playing in the Urbis Drunken Cup, I can still be a competant goalkeeper. Mark has been playing well for the last few weeks in training. We then have young Rick and Nick returning from international duty, Bez coming back after a well deserved break and lastly Hurricanes servant Gray from a night on the tiles. Also Johne who has not played as much as he would like returns fresh from a loan at Sunderland. We can go out there and get a result, the best form of defence is attack."
The Hurricanes go into this game having only lost one and drawn two of their previous encounters having won the remainder of games which is estimated to be inbetween 13-16
21/03/07 - CRYNE IN HIDING
Dozy brummie decathlon browser drops the proverbial bollock
Midlands monkey Matt Cryne was forced to go into hiding today due to his calamitous role as team booking agent.
Moonlighting as a travel agent, Cryney greedily demanded astronomical sums of money UP FRONT from his Hurricanes team-mates, offering false promises of tickets and travel to this year's Reading festival. Police believe he has been operating the scam for years, overcharging his mates and then pocketing the difference. However, this year his dirty scheme has BACKFIRED with potentially explosive results.
Details are sketchy, but it it believed that the dozy Leicester lurch accidentally ordered a batch of tickets to the WILL CARLING READING, WRITING AND ARITHMETIC FESTIVAL, organised by former rugby star Will Carling, which coincidentally also takes place over the bank holiday weekend, in a Berkshire town hall. The event bacically consists of a bunch of bespectacled dyslexic kids sitting around reading 'See Spot Run' books and solving simple sums.
Now the midfield fitness fanatic has recieved death threats, and is believed to have entered the witness protection programme, in a desperate attempt to avoid the angry mob of Johne, Phil, Gray and Haggis, who are looking to dispense some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle justice on his ginger ass.
16/02/07 - "No ifs, no Buts"
Cokey blasts "Big match Charlies"
Any Hurricanes player who fails to get his lazy girlie arse down to the Richmond this Sunday will be unceremoniously dropped from the team. It's that simple. There can be no repeats of last Sunday's no-show. Yes, some people pointed the finger at Cryney and his poor organisational skills. But you all need to take a good long look in the mirror, and ask yourselves- are you men, or are you little girls? Hmmm?
There will be no excuses, not even if:
* You are meant to be working at your soul-destroying monkey-job
* Kick-off clashes with your four-course Sunday dinner
* Your shit team are on the TV
* It's raining (you know who this is referring to!)
* You spend the previous night chatting up some 45 year old minging mother of seven in Sammy's bar
* Cryney hasn't texted you yet (fuck it, come down anyway!)
* You are eating mash and jellied eels down in London
That's right, absolutely NO EXCUSES WILL BE TOLERATED. If you don't come down this Sunday, you will find that you have been eplaced with that little fat kid who's dead good in goal.
03/02/07 - CRYNEY NAMED AS NEW FAT CONTROLLER
Fast food fanatic lands dream job
Cryney was ecstatic this morning when he received word that he has been appointed as the new fat controller.
The previous fat bastard was forced to retire from the post last year due to health problems relating to his morbid obesity, including diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure, leaving the world of Thomas the Tank engine and friends in utter chaos.
Cryney has been training for the job in Leicester, fat capital of the UK, using the 'Walkers Crisp diet' as advocated by Gary Lineker in order to build up his bodyfat levels. A standard requirement for the position is that an applicant's body must comprise of over 90% fatty deposits.
Cryney was initially pursuing a career as a train driver, but was refused when it was discovered that his beer belly prevented him from fitting insode a train driver's compartment, forcing him to apply for another position. It was revealed in the News of the World last month that he was on the shortlist for the job, alongside such celebrity fatties as Vanessa Feltz and the bloke who played Friar Tuck in Robin hood: Prince of Thieves.
more on this breaking story when we get it.
18/01/07 - RED HEAT
Soviet Strongman is Canes newest fan
Exclusive, by Mark Everton
Not to be outdone by the opportunistic antics of Everton, the Hurricanes have dragged Drago out of retirement and scraped together his air fare to Rose Hill International Airport.
The Soviet missile, who has fallen on hard times since his defeat to Rocky in Rocky iv, has recently been scraping a living by boxing against Grizzly bears for the benefit of tourists. However, after being paraded on the pitch before Sundays match against Somebunchofkids FC, Drago will be engaging in the half-time spectacle of going three rounds againt none other than hometown hero Gray.
In a visit to his Siberian log cabin, this reporter was able to gain a rare interview with the superhuman recluse:
Mark Everton: Considering the recent sociological and economic collapse of Russia, do you feel you will be forced to carry the burden of nationalistic pride into the ring on Sunday?
Drago: I win for me! FOR ME!
ME: Gray is famed for his strong work ethic and his boundless stamina, and also from never shying away from a tough tackle. Are you confident he can last three rounds against a seasoned soviet superman like yourself?
Drago: He's not human. He's like a piece of iron.
ME: So you have no safety concerns about a grunge-loving rookie taking on a seasoned bear-boxer?
Drago: If he dies, he dies.
ME: Do you have any words for your opponent, who is locked in training, 10,000 miles away?
Drago: I must Break you.
Tune in tomorrow for an update on how Gray's training is going.
18/01/07- L.A. WOMAN
Big girl's blouse Phil minces off to La-la land
Wantaway Hurricanes Midfielder Phil will sign a five year contract with U.S. soccer team the LA Universe tomorrow, our sources reveal. The fair-weather player has made no seret in recent weeks of his desire to leave the Canes, and Last weeks bust-up with fierey manager Cokey McCoke appears to have brouht matters to a head. The rusty Scottish coke can blasted "Superstars, who care more about their hair than their football" in a thinly-veiled attack on the galactico Phil. "All that matters to these prima-donnas is their performance in front of the bathroom mirror, not their performance on the pitch." He continued, enigmatically.
128 million contract
The LA Universe soccer franchise, established two days ago, is owned by Colonel 'KFC' Kentucky, and Phil's contract is reported to be a staggering 128 million chicken wings over five years, smashing the previous fast-food contract record, which was held by Gazza who had a deal with the Abduls Kebab chain. That measn that the greedy Canes captain will be munching his way through 50 spicy chicken wings PER SECOND. It makes you sick, doesn't it, to think what these Galactios earn, just for kicking a football around. In my day we played for the love of the game.
07/01/07- OUT IN THE COLD
Shameless skivers up for sale
renegade Hurricanes trio Phil, Rick and Nik-san have this afternoon had price tags slapped on their lazy arses by a furious Cokey McCoke, after the players pulled out early of today's Stella Artois league match against some bunch of Kids.
The crucial fixture was scheduled for 1:00 today, but the triple absenteeism meant the Canes were forced to postpone the match indefinately. Now there are fears that the three prima donnas could be FROZEN OUT of Manager Cokey McCoke's future plans.
Donner Kebab
"They've let the fans down, they've let their team-mates down, but above all else, they've let themselves down." spat the vitriolic Scottish rusty coke can. "In my team, there's only room for lads who are proud to be pulling on their Hurricanes shirts. Frankly, I'd rather play a donner kebab up front than a prima donna."
If the trio of troublemakers were to slink back to the Richmond Arena any time soon, they are surely guaranteed to be given a reception frostier than a carling from Gray's freezer.
07/01/07 - ROY OF THE ROVERS RETURNS
Exclusive
A source inside the club has exclusively revealed to this reporter than Roy could be making a return to the first team sooner than expected. The lethal finisher has hinted that he may even return in time for next Sunday's crunch clash with some bunch of kids.
The prolific target man was hospitalized several months ago, just as he was hitting a rich vein of form, when a night shift in the Co-op turned into a horrible disaster as a massive display of Jaffa cakes, which he had just finished making with Cornhead, toppled over onto him. crushed, and in agony, Roy heroically ate his way to freedom, but was left with severe chocolate bruising over 80 percent of his body.
With the news today that the canes could be having a spring clear-out (see the above story), Roy's return could well be timely indeed.
30/12/06 - WEBLOG WITH HOLIDAY SNAPS
Click here to taste the madness http://www.hurricanes.20m.com/catalog_2.html
29/12/06 - JINGLE BALLS
"Huge" crowds gathered at Manchster airport this morning to shout "Bye bye Cryne" as the temperamentalist midfielder jetted off for his loan spell in the 'land of the never-rising sun'. Cryne signed for Helsingborg on a short-term deal, to replace some crummy player whose name escapes me. (I can never tell these Scandanavian people apart. they're all just so... what's the word... nondescript).
There was a brief hold-up as Cryney was accused by over-zealous security staff of shoplifting a blue football and smuggling it through customs, but the matter was settled when Cryney was able to produce the reciept.
He is expected to arrive at Nina Persson international Airport shortly.
Providing he can locate a computer built after 1985 in such a backward country, Cryney will be filling you all in about his zany exploits with a daily weblog. So check back each day for an update!
To celebrate this cross-cultural pollination, I've done a bit of research, and prepared for you a factfile about Sweden:
Size: 174,000 sq miles
Poplation: 9.1 million
Capital city: Oslo
King: Karl Gustaf
Prime minister: None. pop group 'The Cardigans' recently seized power in a violent military coup
Famous Swedes: none
notable Swedish bands: Abba, Ace of Base, Roxette, the A*Teens, Bjorn Again, Aqua, 2 Unlimited
Cuisine: Traditionally simple. fish, meat and potatoes play prominent roles. specialities include the 'Smorgas' (a type of open sandwich) and 'Reindeerbolok' (Swedish Meatballs, usually served with gravy)
legal marriage age: 14
Alcohol Consuption age: As soon as you're old enough to afford it (i.e. never, cos it costs a fucking mint to buy a beer in a Swedish pub)
11/12/06- COKEY WAGES WAR ON WAGS
Team manager Cokey McCoke has today blasted the "distracting influence" of player's wives and girlfriends, which he claims is destroying the very fabric of modern football.
The problem first reared it's ugly head several months ago, when a prominent first team player turned up to a match visibly the worse for wear, after indulging in a night of pervy pleasure with a saucy scouse bird.
And now rifts are forming among the squad, fuelled by the crazy opinions of certain female figures (and lets face it, birds always blow things out of all proportion. no joke intended).
"I'm a man of the world, I know the score." Said Cokey, speaking from his lodgings inside Gray's fridge. "When you're footloose and fancy free, with all the money in the world, it's easy to be seduced by some sizzling Scouser, Scandanavian supermodel or Stopfordian sort. Booze and birds go together like peas and carrots. but in my playing days, I always knew where my priorities lay- on that football pitch, with my team-mates."
Cokey has even announced a BAN on all sexual activities (including Spanish Omelettes) for 24 HOURS before and after every match. Also, should the situation deteriorate any further, Cokey has hinted at a BLANKET BAN on WAGS attending future team outings, including the forthcoming team trip to IKEA.
There has so far been no official reaction from the first team squad, though it has been annunced that Cryney will be issuing an angry statement today, through his spokeswoman.
26/11/06 - Cryney Undermines Noble Teammates
A sterling team effort today was jeapordised by the cowardly and despicably attitude of one Matthew Cryne.
With the match at a pivotal point, Hurricanes players and fans were STUNNED to see Cryney collecting his hoodie and SPEECHLESS as he ambled off the pitch, his beady eyes alight with dreams of shepperds pie and sticky toffee pudding.
PRIZE PUDDING
Star striker Jimmy Hacking had harsh words for his greedy team-mate. "I'm going to buy Cryney a dictionary for Christmas, so he can look up the word 'commitment.'"
Phil added "And he looked dead fat today when he was stod in goal. He made some pathetic excuse about a gust of wind making his gravy-stained hurricanes shirt billow, but I don't believe a word of that."
GINGER SNAPPED
Cryney was later snapped by the papparazzi through the windows of his Vernon Drive mansion, relaxing with a sunday newspaper crossword puzzle in his dressing gown and matching slippers, while his team-mates sweated and grafted down on the pitch.
05/11/06 - CRYNEY IS GAY
Matthew Cryne is a homosexual. that is the controversial conclusion reached in a new unauthorised biography, to be published tomorrow.
In the book, author Mark Everton gives a 'crumbs-and-all' in-depth profile of the former Hurricanes hero, from the dizzying highs of Hurricanes hat-tricks, to the lows of all-night food binges, canal street arrests and sessions in the priory.
However, it is the theory that Cryney is gay which will undoubtedly cause the most ripples. In an exclusive excerpt from the book, here is the evidence, as compiled by Mark Everton:
1) Whilst on a hedonistic holiday down under, Cryney was sharing a room with a decent chap who kindly invited Cryney to assist in the gang rape of an unconscious young woman. However, instead of diving straight in, like any upstanding heterosexual citizen would do, Cryney instead TURNED UP HIS NOSE to the gentleman's offer, and later DOBBED THE THOROUGHLY NICE BLOKE IN THE AUSTRALIAN POLICE.
2) Cryney has in the past been known to make several mysterious PLEASURE TRIPS to Loughborough, alone. Loughborough is well-known for it's gay brothels and 'liberal' attitudes.
3) Cryney has often expressed a fondness for potatoes, delighted with his ability to identify any spud. Really, knowing the names of different potatoes - well, it's a bit gay, isn't it?
4) Cryney has, on occasion, been sighted in the company of a Swedish fag hag.
5) Cryney drinks cider. only 12 year olds, fat biker chicks and FLAMING HOMOSEXUALS drink cider.
6) Cryney is forever PULLING OUT of football matches due to suspicious and unexplained injuries. what a faggot.
7) Lets face it - he's gay, isn't he?
The book will be published in December by the Mangina press. It would make an ideal stocking-filler (no, Cryney, that wasn't an innuendo).
01/11/06 - DONCASTER BELL-END
Remember, remember, the first of November; Chillipowder, Riesen (chocolate chews) and plots. Or so the nursery rhyme goes. And it pretty much sums up the audacious move which Cryney is currently plotting; to become the FIRST EVER MALE to play in the women's premier league.
That's right, the man they ironically call 'Crynestein' could well be on his way out of the Stella Artois league and onto pastures new. Cryney, one of the founding fathers of the Hurricanes, is rumoured to be negotiating a juicy contract as we speak with 'The biggest professional womens football team in the world' (according to their crap website) the Doncaster Belles.
more on this saucy scandal as we get it. now I'm off for some treacle toffee.
PROFILE
FULL NAME- Matthew Chewits Cryne
AGE- 24
CLUB- Marple Hurricanes
FORMER CLUBS- Shirtlifters FC (in the pink league), AS Roma
POSITION - In an armchair with a curry on his knee
LIKES- Mealtimes
DISLIKES- Anytime in between
HOBBIES- Snacking, Bungee jumping, quizzing
STRANGE BUT TRUE- Cryney currently holds the world record for fitting the most intact Maris Pipers in his mouth at once (7)
18/10/06 - Haggis caught out by randy team-mate
Founding member of the Hurricanes, Haggis, has been discovered secretly working overtime by team-mate phil. "I got home from a long day at the cliff and wanted to blow off some steam so to speak, so i went to my favourite site and what site confronts me? Haggis with some guy who looks like the guy from them bloody rehabs playing with each others bits, disgutsts me" states the sickened striker. Haggis was uncontactable, but his agent advises he "hasn't had chance to see the incident" yet so it's unsure if tax has been paid on any earnings, but it's likely that the winger supremo Cryney will dob him in to his good mate Mike Dyer who works at the tax office as he has made his position known on the actions of Haggis; "Bloody faggot, always thought it was odd when he played cricket he always ran in from the pavilion end and polished the ball on his pants for a bit too long for my liking." Keep an eye on this space for further revelations on the Marplegate photos scandal...
16/10/06 - CRUISING FOR AN ANAL BRUISING
Hurricanes stars released on police bail
BREAKING NEWS
Details are sketchy at the moment, but internet chatrooms are buzzing with the news that Mathew Cryne and Phil Sanchez spent a portion of last night in a canal street police cell.
It is reported that the players were picked up by the rozzers in 'a state of undress' and in what has been described as a 'compromising position.'
more on this top story as we get it, but here are the known facts so far:
* At approximately 12:30 this morning, Cryney and Phil left Graham's house, suspiciously leaving at the exact same time.
* At 12:45, the owner of a Hazel Grove fast food establishment telephoned police to report an attempted break in by two youths, one described as hooded, the other wearing a girly black jacket.
* At 1:15, an employee in the 'Pink Pussycat Pleasure Palace', a notorious Canal street gay bar, was allegedly asked by Cryney whereabaoutS "A guy like him could go for a good time."
* At around the same time, A semi-conscious Phil was spotted slumped on the floor of a pub called 'The Shirtlifter', reportedly in a state of arousal.
* at 2:21, a tired and emotional Mathew Cryne was spotted wandering down Canal street in a state of undress. he was seen to be gingerly rubbing his buttocks, as if he had suffered some form of injury there, as was reported to have scremed out "It's not my fault the way I was made! Why can't the world accept me for what I am?"
* at 3:40, both players were spotted being ushered into a police car, each wearing nothing but a Krunchy Fried chicken bucket to preserve their modesty.
WERE YOU IN CANAL STREET LAST NIGHT? THIS REPORTER IS WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU! YOU WILL BE WELL REWARDED FOR ANYTHING JUICY THAT YOU CAN GIVE ME.
15/10/06 - haggis successfully promoted to chief ball licker for changing the name of blockbusters to cockbusters.
the weedy winger has missed the hurricanes match due to a board meeting and the team have voted unanimously against having the words cockbusters scrawled across the team shirt for a sponsor. The team also disagreed with the changing of the name of the stadia to cockbusting arena, and the team slogan changing to "lets bust some cock!"
Hurricanes veteran cryney had a few words to say about the matter. "Fucking faggots! Id rather eat faggots than be called one and have the team named after one. In my day gays and puffs were everton fans and blonde. If the local community look up to us iconic heros what are they going to think now. I say fry the bastards!"
News has also come in of haggis starring himself in a new film made by cockbusters called "mouthful of toffee", haggis stars along side some other healthy young attractive men and there are no females present. Other stars include Elton John and Nathan and Will YOung who have composed and performed the soundtrack. Nathan has also done cinematography with other shirt lifters, bum burglars, sausage jockeys and mincers if you will. The film is to be set on location in Canal Street and boys changing rooms of local sports teams, inside news is that the 'canes have said that they'll only allow a team bath scene if the camera operatives are sexy naked ladies who join the bath shortly after filming. Watch this space for Jonothan Ross's verdict on Mr Hacking's fetching pink and yellow spots lycra cat suit uniform for the film. The plot is unknown, but rumour has it, there isn't one.
14/10/06 - CRYNEY: "DON'T CALL ME SICK-NOTE"
Firebrand Hurricanes left winger Mathew 'Cryney' Cryne has blasted fans and team-mates for hassling him about his long list of injuries so far this season.
Only last weekend, Cryne had to limp off the field with a 'bizzarre neck injury'.
But former Roma winger Cryne explained that a player as committed as himself is BOUND to pick up moe injuries.
"By giving 1000% each match, I am 10 times as liable to pull my croin as the average player." said Cryne, with a mouth-ful of monster munch. "and 100 times as liable as Phil," he added with a cheeky crispcrumb grin.
25/09/06 - THEY'RE DANCING IN THE CORNFIELDS
New signing Rick caps dream performance with memorable goal, as the Mighty Hurricanes trounce Reddish 5-4
Hurricanes 5 Rehab 4
Roy of the rovers 1 ?
Rogan Josh 1 ?
Nik-San 1 Gentle Ben 1
Frankencryne 1 Philthy traitor 1
The model Rick Martel 1
full match report to follow
23/09/06 - THE CHIPS ARE DOWN (down Nick's throat, that is.)
EXCLUSIVE
Teenage sensation Nick Sanchez was spotted yesterday by an anonymous 'Canes fan, GUZZLING DOWN A GREASY PORTION OF CHIPS in object defiance of the team's strict dietary code.
The shocking incident took place outside Blockbuster of Marple, as the juvenile delinquent enjoyed his fattening lunchtime treat with a defiant grin on his face.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the following day Nick traded potato chips for another kind of chips, as he was spotted by another eagle-eyed fan loitering outside a Marple bookmakers.
The club refused to comment on the matter, but an inside source (no, NIck, not tomato sauce) was said to be "deeply concerned".
MY OPINION by Mark Everton
It is all too easy to forget just how sudden the transition is, from everyday bloke on the street to Stella-Artois league superstar. And I don't honestly believe that anyone who has never played professionally can truly understand what a shock to the system it can be.
No more all-night megadrive sessions. No more midnight trips to the local takeaway. No more kickabouts with your mates in the park. Nick is young, and EVERY player has had at least one slip up in the dawn of their career.
My advice to Nick, though, is to perhaps be more selective regarding who you hang out with. it comes as no surprise to me that Nick is reported to have been in the company of former Hurricanes trainee 'Rogan' Josh at the time of the alleged incidents. the lad is a known trouble-maker, and could well be a bad influence on the boy who is often called the white Freddy Adu.
09/09/06 - YESSSSSSSSS!
Everton
Everton
Everton
HAVE IT! a beaut from Spring-heeled Tim and two belters from Magic Johnson send the red filth back to the ground they stole off us, with their tails between their bitch legs.
Everton
Everton
Everton
09/09/06 - EMOTIONAL FAREWELL
Tomorrows match will be a special occasion, a tribute to the late, great Steve 'Crikey!' Irwin. A testimonial, if you will, for a man who never actually played for the Hurricanes, but was always with us in Spirit. a true Hurricane.
21/08/06 - BREAKING NEWS
SEVERAL HURRICANES PERISH IN CAR WRECK DISASTER
News has just reached this website of a car-crash catastrophe which occurred last night at arrounf half past midnight.
Witness Josh reported seeing Johne's overloaded car ROCKETING down Stockport road, past Harlequin, at speeds of approximately 120 mph. With an almighty screech, Johne lost control and the car SMASHED into a petrol pump at Texaco garage, causing a fireball which stretched for hundreds of feet into the night sky.
Details are still sketchy, but it has been reported that the entire Hurricanes team, with the suspicious exception of Haggis, was crammed into the car at the time. It is also rumoured that they were going so ridiculously fast since Harlequin was about to close, and Cryney was peckish.
The event has sent shockwaves around the Rose Hill area, and has already been compared to the 1958 Munich air disaster. The 'Cokey Babes' have been cut down in their prime.
It wasn't all bad news, though. a Texaco employee, described by onlookers as "A right miserable bespectacled cow" is also believed to have perished in the firey inferno.
Local police are not ruling out foul play, and are eager to speak with a lanky blonde character who was spotted messing about beneath the car just before the players got in it.
20/08/06
Haggis transfer leaked!
Reading my respectable morning newspaper i chocked on my sugar puffs (no, not a sweetly covered Haggis). News that Haggis is to be transferred to an un-named premiership club deeply saddened me, I knew things were going a bit strange when he was spotted down canal street with Ashley Cole and Graeme Le Saux, together with not coming out when it's raining (faggot), it's thought the gay jibes he's received have forced him out of the club, but there is no room for raging benders at a club with such a fearce (and manly) reputation as the mighty 'canes. So in reality it's no surprise he has found a new pasture where they actually do have a team bath, these were cancelled when Gray started to make a jacuzzi for the team, not too bad you might say, but when a brown floater was spotted the rest of the team decided to just go home and shower by themselves, I guess this just upset haggis. Hasta La Vista GAYBOY!!
p.s. hey haggis, like the pink?
19/08/06
HAgGiS IS GaY
19/08/06 - BOOK OFF
Haggis to write biography
It has been announced today that Penguin Books will be publishing renegade Hurricane Haggis's autobiography.
Titled 'LIKE A HURRICANE', The book promises to spill the baked beans on life inside Marple's premier soccer franchise.
In a possibly libelous move, this website has stolen an advance copy of the book, and will be publishing "highlights" for as long as Haggis's lawyer will allow us.
In our first exclusive extract, here are Haggis's thoughts on some of his team-mates...
Cryney - "Should have been Christened Mandrake the magician, because he always manages to turn himself invisible whenever Reddish are on the attack."
Johne - "A natural finisher who needs to be more alert. Stay off the space cakes. About as sharp as a wet digestive biscuit."
Rick C - "Those fancy martial arts moves may please the fans, but for me, it just looks like ballet dancing."
Phil - "Where is the love? He seems to be just going through the motions. In the space of a season he's gone from Bryan Robson to 'Robson and Jerome'."
Nik-San - "Should be a contestant on Mastermind, since he never passes."
Bez - "Needs to get forward more. that magical left foot is so sharp it could open a tin of beans, but it's no use if you're half a mile from the action."
Rick - "Head bands are for girls."
Gray - "Needs to life the team again with some more of those 'Flash Gordon' heroics. there was a time when he scored a wonder solo goal every game. Now he couldn't score in a Marple Memorial park, on a friday night, pick a 4-pack in his hand."
14/08/06 - Hack Attack
Hurricanes key player Jimbo 'Haggis' Hacking has lashed out at his team-mates, his manager, his club, his local takeaway, and this website in a vitriolic vermisitude of vile venom.
In a blistering phone-call from 'Haggis Towers', Haggis, a player from the old school, denied any connection with 'agent' Wille Mckay, branding all football agents "despicable little parasites, sucking the very soul out of the beautiful game."
He went on to brand Cokey McCoke as "clueless", his team-mates attitudes "substandard", and the new contract he has been offered by the club, amounting to 50 Pepperamis per week as "an insult."
"I was shocked and embarassed by the performance of my team-mates during the recent deeat to Rehab. I am sick to death of being the only one who cares about how we perform out there on the hallowed astroturf of the Richmond arena. certain players need a rocket up the backside, and If things do not improve, I am not afraid to name names and, if necessary, take EVERY NECESSARY STEP to see that things improve at this once great club."
What exactly is he on about? find out tomorrow, when we will be printing the FULL AND SHOCKING INTERVIEW...
14/08/06 - Haggis Camp set for 'Canes talks
Haggis’s agent, Willie McKay hopes to hold talks with the mighty ‘Canes next week over the Marple born defender's future.
The 27-year-old, who told the Blues and darker Blues he wanted to leave in May, turned down the opportunity to go on a team-building holiday in Reading and has been publicly criticised by boss Cokey McCoke, as well as the rest of the award-winning squad.
"I think we will meet the directors of the ‘Canes next week," McKay told the ‘Canes fan site. "I think but don't know."
Asked about whether Haggis wanted to stay at the ‘Canes, he answered: "I don't want to comment on this question."
He stayed away and, after seeing Cornhead take his number 13 shirt, has been accused by Cokey of showing him and his team-mates a lack of respect.
"It's not only me that is upset - we're all upset," said Cokey.
"Everybody is upset because we had a strong family and a strong group and this has shown a lack of respect to everybody and I don't like that."
But McKay who is set to speak to the 'Canes to request a meeting, maintained: "He needed to have more rest because of the Harlequin Cup and that is the reason why he was away a bit longer."
Haggis has one year left on his current deal but has been offered a four-contract deal by the ‘Canes.
He could be forced to see out the remainder of his tenure in the reserves before moving on a free transfer next summer.
McKay added: "The player will be back in Rose Hill on Tuesday and will be training on Wednesday.
"Maybe there was a bit of misunderstanding between both parties. That is the reason why we will have a meeting next week. It has not been set up."
The issue of Haggis’s shirt number being handed to summer signing Cornhead has raised further doubts over the player's Richmond Arena career and it appears he was not told about the decision.
Cornhead had asked for the number 13 shirt during discussions over his move but was told it was unavailable because Haggis held it.
"That is another problem," said McKay "We are not officially informed of any change."
08/08/06 - We're goin' to Strangeways News just in that legendary hurricanes strike force Haggis, Gray and Phil have been arrested!! Police in Marple (is that station still open?) were apparently looking up the latest results from their favourite team (Rehab) and saw the story *Haggis, Gray and Phil were NOWHERE NEAR Marple memorial park on the evening of Wednesday the 26th July. they all have witnesses and cast-iron allibies* and were suspicious, so looked into these alibis. Haggis said that he was eating dinner whilst watching his Thunderbirds special edition on betamax in his bedroom, but on deeper investigation this was found to be false as his brother was recording the Eastenders omnibus at the time! Gray on the otherhand told the investigating officer, PC McGarry, that he was out buying fish food for the new team mascot, but anyone with knowledge of this fish knows that it's is on a diet and needs to slim down, terrible alibi. Phil was a harder nut to crack, his alibi that he was in hospital seemed to add up, he has the cuts and bandages to prove it, but when CID were called in they challenged this and compared fingerprints found at Harmoney Decor following a recent wallpaper robery that matched those to the signpost near the cinema and he has been charged with theft and arson as well as criminal damage. Cokey McCoke has had to spend the entire budget that was going to be spent challenging Portsmouth for the signing of David James on bail, and is said to be jolly well F**ked right off!
the weedy winger has missed the hurricanes match due to a board meeting and the team have voted unanimously against having the words cockbusters scrawled across the team shirt for a sponsor. The team also disagreed with the changing of the name of the stadia to cockbusting arena, and the team slogan changing to "lets bust some cock!"
Hurricanes veteran cryney had a few words to say about the matter. "Fucking faggots! Id rather eat faggots than be called one and have the team named after one. In my day gays and puffs were everton fans and blonde. If the local community look up to us iconic heros what are they going to think now. I say fry the bastards!"
News has also come in of haggis starring himself in a new film made by cockbusters called "mouthful of toffee", haggis stars along side some other healthy young attractive men and there are no females present. Other stars include Elton John and Nathan and Will YOung who have composed and performed the soundtrack. Nathan has also done cinematography with other shirt lifters, bum burglars, sausage jockeys and mincers if you will. The film is to be set on location in Canal Street and boys changing rooms of local sports teams, inside news is that the 'canes have said that they'll only allow a team bath scene if the camera operatives are sexy naked ladies who join the bath shortly after filming. Watch this space for Jonothan Ross's verdict on Mr Hacking's fetching pink and yellow spots lycra cat suit uniform for the film. The plot is unknown, but rumour has it, there isn't one.
