Dear Cryney,
I recently purchased your No.1 Bestseller, ‘The Fatkins Diet’, and have been following the guidelines from it for over a month now. Over the past month I have put on weight, lost a lot of my fitness and my wife has left me. I can’t help but feel that your book is responsible for this tragedy. What should I do?
David McKay
Tragedy?! Nonsense!. Perhaps she was never the one for you, I meet wonderful voluptuous women in takeaways all the time! Perhaps you are going to the wrong ones. Make sure you go to the mainstream kebaberies and chicken emporiums, and always order something exotic like a KOBEDAH!! Trust me the women love it. I have a new book called “the better fast food guide II” in the making, it gives a spot on breakdown of menus, specials and even what the women are like in each takeaway.
Dear Cryney,
I eat fry ups on a regular basis but can never seem to get it right. I have 2 slices of bacon, 3 sausages (Lincolnshire), 2 slices of toast, beans, a fried egg, sometimes mushrooms and tomatoes. Where am I going wrong?
Pippin Pepper
No no no no! 4 sausages Cumberland for a start, 3 slices of bacon and 4 slices of toast. You would have to go for both scrambled and fried eggs. And NO TOMATOES!! We can get in touch and I’ll come round and show you how its done. Go to the butchers in marple and say Mathew sent you they will give you everything you need.
Some people….
Dear Cryney,
When I go for a kebab I’m never sure how much salad or sauce to go for. Some times too much can ruin it and none can be terrible. Please help me I’m running out of ideas.
Anon,(via email)
Well first of all I need to know, is it chicken or is it donner, or even kobedah. You need to start with a little lettuce and some red onion. Then get the cabbage and tomatoes but no cucumber. After this you should enquire about the sauces available, ask for a big dollop of garlic butter and some chilli (the hot one) and then wrap it all up in a meat feast pizza and you’re done. Simple.
Dear Cryney,
I have become very worried about the behaviour of one of my friends. He always used to be an honest, decent citizen, but recently I've observed him ordering a Spicy Bean BUrger from Burger king. And once, in Asda, I noticed him lingering around a display of quorn sausages. In short, I am worried that someone I care about is flirting with vegetarianism, and all of the evils which that entails (growing a beard, wearing sandals, listening to Coldplay). I am very grief-stricken, as it breaks my heart to see one so young and so promising turn to the dark side. Help! How can I steer him back onto the righteous meaty path of virtue?
Anon (via e-mail)
heres what i did. take him for a long drive maybe to wales or something but dont stop anywhere for food(i know its tough) then when the hunger becomes un bearable stop at a takeaway and order a meatfestival pizza and a couple of kebabs, and lets say a 1/2 cheeseburger aswell for good measure. by this point he will be so hungry he could eat the entire donner meat spike. when he takes that first bite he will be well on the way to his meat filled destiny. happy eating.
